Children have a multitude of opportunities to make friends, in the classroom, at dance class, on the sports field, and beyond. As we get older, however, it becomes harder to make new friends (and keep up with the old ) because of our full schedules, family obligations, and a variety of commitments. Just like strong marriages take work, friendships require effort in order to flourish.
Here are a few friendship situations that can put a strain on an already hard-to-keep friendship.
Adult Friendship Etiquette: Five Behaviors to Avoid
1. Canceling Plans Last-Minute
“One friend in our group repeatedly cancels at the last minute, often for non-urgent reasons. Basically, if something better comes up, she bails.”
We all understand that life happens—but frequent cancellations are a good indicator that they are not showing respect for other people’s feelings. If a friend backs out of an engagement, once, it may be an emergency, but when it is a habit, it’s rude.
“Is it OK to stop inviting a particular friend who always calls at the last minute with an excuse?
When pre-payments and deposits are a consideration, like a theater performance or a vacation rental, they should be held responsible for their fair share. In other cases, have a heart-to-heart with your friend and ask if they are really interested in being on the guest list because of their recurring cancellations.
2. Disregarding Budgetary Preferences
One friend may earn significantly more than the other and suggest expensive outings or give gifts that make other friends feel uncomfortable.
Be sensitive to different financial situations without making money a significant roadblock. Plan occasions that are not overly costly, where everyone can feel like they can order what they want on the menu.
A commonly asked question is, “Is it important for a friend to reciprocate at the same price point for a birthday gift or a wedding gift if they received a higher-end gift?” No. The gift is not an obligation and you give what you can afford and you are comfortable giving.
Whoever suggests the expensive wine should also offer to pay for it. Before suggesting an expensive cruise, or an elaborate outing, regardless of income, get a feel for the feelings of the group.
Plenty of budget-friendly alternatives are available and even those who have generous budgets appreciate a more modest lifestyle and a moderately priced meal.
3. Failing to Keep in Touch (Ghosting)
One friend may be better at touching base weekly while another will rarely reach out but you know you can count on them in a pinch. The friendship should not be based on the number of times you speak per week, but on the level of trust and reliance on each other. Everyone has a different lifestyle, but a true friend is someone you can trust with your secrets and share in your joys and hardships.
How long is too long between contact? There is no hard and fast rule. Of course, if you don’t speak to someone for an extended period of time, you will eventually feel disconnected, but there are other times, when you know and understand the silence and can pick up where you left off when you get back in touch. There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to distance.
4. Mixing Friends
It’s not uncommon to introduce friends to each other, and then they form their own separate friendship. It’s perfectly fine to broaden a friend group, but it becomes uncomfortable when they start excluding you.
Friends are allowed to make other friends and make plans on their own without feeling bad about not including the original friend. If you feel excluded, go out of your way to invite both of them out for lunch or a hike so you can continue to bond with both of them together.
5. A Negative Outlook (Venting vs. Dumping)
A friendship is a give and take and if all you do is complain, without any positive comments, you are taxing the friendship. It’s important to ask your friend about their day, their life, their kids, their job, and whatever else they are interested in talking about.
A true friend can make any day brighter, knows when to speak and when to listen, and shows you they care by their actions and their words. They are also understanding of your life circumstances and willing to extend a little extra grace when it’s needed most. While none of us is a perfect friend, paying attention to the little things can make a big difference.
You may also like Weeding Your Friendship Garden Redux.
For more information about working with Diane, America’s “Go To” social and professional etiquette authority, please visit The Protocol School of Texas.
See what Diane is up to by following her on Instagram and Facebook and find etiquette inspiration on her Pinterest account. For more of Diane’s etiquette tips, refer to her posts on Inc. and HuffPost.
